Skip to main content

Further Transition

I don't want to blog about this, because that might make me realize that it's true. I mean, it is true, but I don't want it to be. You see, my wonderful Year of Writing? Following the calendar and my budgeting, it has actually already ended. And now, as was always the plan, I need to re-enter the workaday world. I am a massive jumble of complicated feelings.

There's a significant part of me that is really looking forward to working on things other than my own pet projects. About 3/4 of the way through my Year I realized I was actually looking forward to sinking my teeth into some new work, that I liked working, I just really did not fit in my last work environment and the too many years of being unhappy there were not always (though sometimes it was) about what I was doing, but was much more about how I felt while doing it (i.e. not quite fitting, a little used, starving to use my brain, and stuck). I knew other people who fit just fine there, were thriving, it worked for them, but that was never me. I'm very grateful for the things I learned how to do that I can now take elsewhere, but I hope to never work in that kind of setting again. I should have extracted myself earlier, but that stopped being an option with the recession. Now with things slowly healing on that front, I'm praying I have a chance to move into something that fits better.

So, in my stronger mental moments, I can think hopefully about finding a job that will allow me the time needed for writing, my commitments, and the people I want in my life. In my stronger moments, I even look forward to this new chapter.

But the other 85% of the day I'm a mess of anxiety, depressed procrastination, and vague dread. I loathe the process of finding work, it dregs up all kinds of feelings of insecurity and issues like feeling I don't deserve to have a job that doesn't make me miserable; misery and work go hand in hand. It's not unlike writing and how I feel really great about it until I actually sit down to do it, then I have to invoke a hundred methods to satisfy the demons so I can get a little work done.

But if my Year of Writing has taught me anything (and actually, it's taught me a lot & I hope to pen a few thoughts on that soon), it's that you have to continually choose the bigger life. And not trying something because you choose fear rather than courage suffocates creativity. Courage breeds joy.

But, man, change can really suck.                  

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The 2018 Iceland Report: Part Last

The exciting (or at least the inevitable) conclusion of Part One and Part Two of Icelandic awesomeness....


Day Six: Ekra Cottage/ Lagarfljótsvirkjun to Höfn
This day was all about epic scenery. Kilometer after kilometer of stunning beauty. The ever-shifting sweeping views afforded us herds of wild reindeer, giant snowy fjords, a mossy valley, snow blowing across the road like dry ice, lava rock, waterfalls. It was a total feast.













Our halfway point was Djúpivogur which houses a collection of giant roadside marble eggs, each one fashioned after a particular type of bird's egg.



We arrived in Höfn and checked out the harbor and the free museum (a welcome respite from the windy harbor) before checking into our guesthouse. Which we had all to ourselves. We made one last meal of fusilli and bell pepper (fusilli meal #4 for the trip for those keeping track - I'll be taking a good long break from fusilli now) and read. I found a left-behind copy of The Silence of the Sea by Yrsa Sigurðar…

Quarterly Reading Report: Q2

The end of the second quarter snuck up on me: it feels like only three weeks have passed since my last quarterly report. Part of the speedy passing of time was from all the good books I've been reading lately. I've already told you how much I loved re-reading The Magic Summer. Here are my other favorites from this season:

Gulp: Adventures on the Alimentary Canal, by Mary Roach. This gem is from one of my favorite local authors. Mary Roach's sense of humor should really get it's own zip code, it's so wonderful. I learned a great deal, sometimes about things I wasn't sure I wanted to know (like how to properly use flatus in a sentence), and I can't tell you the amount of times per week I find myself thinking about the nutritional content of my dinner compared to my cats' on account of this book.


As a delighted listener once said at a reading she did: "You keep writing books about exactly the thing I'm most interested in, except I didn't know I…

The 2018 Iceland Report: Part I

Five years ago I traveled to Iceland for the first time. I arrived already smitten with it, having fostered a curiosity about the place through various books I'd read. It did not disappoint. I used my emerging obsession as an excuse to research and write and my travels in 2013 fueled the novel I just finally finished revising last month. I loved living in the world of that novel while working on it as a way to stay connected to such a magical place. I had hoped to go back someday but didn't quite believe it would happen (there are so many other countries on my to-visit list, re-visiting a place seems a radical luxury and...inefficient?). But a plan was hatched: the hubs and I were long overdue for a real vacation, had yet to travel out of the country together despite being together for eight-plus years (I know, scandalous), and were craving some quiet and darkness. Again, Iceland did not disappoint. 
Early to mid-January in Iceland boasts a grand total of 4 1/2 to 5 hours of da…